Chelsea, Chelsea I Believe!
I firmly believe that everyone, no matter who they are, has something that defies all logic to make their world go ’round. Something that everyone strives for, but no one outside of their own mind understands.
For my mom, it is running and helping others. For my dad, it is family, sports, and cars. For my brother, it is anything that he can be the best at, whether that is school, sports, work, being a family man or anything else you put in front of him. For me, that something has always been hockey, and more specifically the Chicago Blackhawks.
My Backstory
As far back as I can remember, and even before then, I was obsessed with the sport of hockey. When I was about two years old I would drag an equipment bag twice my size around my house, pretending I was traveling to and from games. My mom tells me that I would not start until I asked her to sing the national anthem, and then it was on, it was me versus the world. I would run into furniture, make diving saves, score game-winning goals, and apparently get injured quite often (making my mom remove me from the “ice”).
I think the obsession with the Blackhawks started around grade school when I was finally able to fit into a jersey my dad bought about 30 years earlier with his hard-earned in high school. That jersey was a bright red hockey jersey crested with a beautiful stitched Native American head across the front of it, and heat pressed #6 on the back a number that my dad had on all of his jerseys. It was love at first sight, and that love continues to grow to this day. Shortly after that the Blackhawks were voted as the worst franchise in professional sports, but the tides were about to turn with the drafting of my favorite athlete of all time, Patrick Kane.
The whole idea for this project came to me my Sophomore year of college, shortly after the Blackhawks’ third cup defense in six seasons. It can all be summarized in one tweet, one that unfortunately I can not find. I remember vividly the Hawks were in a small slump during the 2015-16 season, I remember the team account tweeting a GIF of my two favorite all-time players (Kane & Panarin), celebrating one of their many goals together. I quoted the tweet saying “The one thing that never lets me down #LetsGoHawks.”
I hope that, if nothing else, someone out there can relate to the store I am trying to tell. Someone with the almost irrational fire, passion, will… whatever you might call it. That thing inside of their heart, inside of their brain that I developed to keep me going throughout the years. If I can reach just on the person, affect one life then all of the countless hours writing, rewriting, and dreaming will be worth it.
I have thought, rehearsed, and written this story hundreds of times over the past five years are so, and every time it comes to me through the loud blast of a boat horn and 22,000 screaming fans singing in unison to the song that has tormented the entire NHL over the past decade, Chelsea Dagger.
How the Chicago Blackhawks Saved My Life
It is no secret that we all have our good and bad days, and our good and bad years in life. Some more than others, and I am not saying by any means that I had a sad or bad upbringing, I had an extremely happy childhood and the most loving family I could ever ask for. Unfortunately, mental illness, depression, and anxiety have no boundaries, and you can’t hide from them forever.
My battle started unknowingly at age seven when my grandmother passed away from cancer and continued behind the scenes throughout my childhood in the form of panic attacks that I could not explain, I could only plead to those around me to let me go home. My issues continued into middle school when my back was up against a wall, a time when I felt like I had no one around me and nowhere left to go.
That is when I discovered Patrick Kane and the Chicago Blackhawks, the fun-loving kids that brought an entire city and fanbase life in some of the darkest economic and mental days in many of our lifetimes’. We didn’t have internet or computers in the Acton household so I had to wait for the rare SportsCenter clips or some free time at school to watch highlights of my new favorite past time. Every time I watched, I fell more in love with that team, I took every chance I could possibly get to watch the greatness that was happening in front of me. Culminating in game 6 of the 2010 Stanley Cup Final, luckily the game went to overtime, I snuck upstairs after my parents fell asleep and was able to catch a glimpse of Kane’s game-winning goal, that night was the fuel for my undying fire.
Anyway, moving on with the story.
Life was better through high school, I learned to cope with what I was going through, I learned to push back the anxiety until it almost seemed to go away. Enter: Freshman year of college. Many who know me, know that this is where my real struggles began. As with many other 18-year-old kids, it was my first time away from home, my first time really having to deal with things on my own. Needless to say, I didn’t exactly thrive.
The next date that comes to mind is June 6, 2015, a day that those close to me remember well. The Blackhawks were coming off of a 4-3 loss in game 2 of the Stanley Cup Final, and I was about at the end of my rope. I’m not sure if that game helped send me over that edge, or if it was just a coincidence, but I remember my parents catching me on the back deck as I was getting ready to get in my car. What I was going to do, not even I know, but it wasn’t good. The rest of that night I spent curled up in a ball crying on my parent’s kitchen floor as they tried to console me and bring me back to Earth. I was trying to make sense of my own life, trying to make sense of the world around me, but nothing seemed to work at that time.
Only nine short days later, Jonathan Toews was hoisting the Stanley Cup high above his head on United Center ice, it was a borderline jubilee for me, I had never been so invested in something before, and all of a sudden the world seemed right for the moment.
Back when selfie sticks were cool? We walked/ran almost 3 miles to get our tickets to the rally at Soldier Field)
I am sure everyone has heard of a “runner’s high”, and I never really understood what it was until very recently. That euphoric feeling you get when you are so tired and drained, and all of a sudden you feel like nothing in the world can bring you down and you can go on forever. I realized that I get that feeling skating on an open St. Mary’s like in late December, when the friendly games stretch late into the night and sometimes even the early morning. It happens when I put on that red #88 jersey and imagine what it would be like to score that goal, to free an entire city from its angst and waiting. That is what this team has given me, as well as an entire generation of fans.
I have relapsed several times since then, but I have come back stronger each time. I tell everyone that is new to me that my emotions tend to ride a similar roller coaster to the Blackhawks season, including the depressing lull in the summer that I am currently working to get over. I know I will beat it, and my story will continue to be written, and I hope that it gives someone the courage to speak up if they relate.
Beyond that, this team has given me the opportunity to display my passion through this very blog. This has given me the chance to talk about the sport I love and the team I love. For that I am unspeakably grateful, I now have the platform to convey my gratitude and to tell my story to an audience that knows where I am coming from.
(One of my many adventures, my cousin in front of me now sports the vintage 1984 jersey that was passed to me from my father, and that I will pass on as well)
Every year I try to take a trip or two to the United Center to share the experience with those I love. My first game was October 24, 2015, I took my dad to watch the Stanley Cup Final rematch against the Tampa Bay Lightning, a 1-0 OT thriller that kept me coming back for more. I have also been able to take my cousin (who is more like my son) to his first game, my best friend to his first, my fiance to her first, and pretty soon I will be taking my mom on her first United Center experience. Every single time I walk up to the stadium I still get goosebumps, I can feel the electricity in the air, and for the next four hours all is right with the world and nothing can bring me down.
My dad and I before our first Blackhawks game, he even almost smiled
Mental Health
I have never been one to open up too much about what is going on in my head, or the problems I am having. A few years ago I opened up for the first time publicly (you can find the link at the end of this article), after having a complete breakdown and spending the first three months of my Senior year of college pretty much locked in my apartment, not going to class, no longer playing lacrosse, I realized it was time to finally get help. I sought professional assistance and talked about my struggles, I finally excepted that medication could help me and that therapy might be a good option. But one thing that remained, and one thing that will always remain is that fact that the Chicago Blackhawks and the sport of hockey will always be my escape. Even if not a single one of them ever knows my name or my story, they will always be a part of the reason I am here and that I am who I am.
There are still days, sometimes weeks that I don’t feel like myself. I still feel bitter, and I don’t even know why. Sometimes I still don’t want to go out and face the world whether that is my job, my personal issues, or something as simple as going out to dinner. But I have finally realized that I have the power to not let it beat me, to not let it keep me down. I have the ability to look towards the better days and know that they will come and outweigh the bad ones. I have my family, my fiance, my friends, and so many other reasons to push myself now, knowing that I have a purpose and a life worth living and being excited about.
One of my favorite resources that I love to watch on repeat is a simple video by a well known Youtube personality and Sportsnet personality Steve “Dangle” Glynn:
http://twitter.com/Acton_V2/status/958573386011238401
One thing that is always important to remember is that it’s okay to not be okay.
The point I am trying to make is that sports aren’t just silly games that we played as kids. They have the power to bring people together and to save us from reality when we need it most. My goal as a professional is to work in sports, to be part of what helped save me as a teen and young adult.
I won’t stop until I can be that man for my family, my community, and the world around me. I will be a part of the next generation of glory, and I will pass it down to the next generation, giving them everything that I had and then some.
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