God’s Team: The Chicago Bears Have a Pope
DAAAAAAAAAAA POPE!
Babe, wake up—Ryan Poles has done it again.
Pope Leo XIV is a Chicago Bear.
Yes, you read that correctly. This past week, a new pope was elected, and for those of you who don’t know, he was indeed baptized in a tub of Italian beef broth on the South Side of Chicago.
Now, for the few of you who actually read my blogs, you know I’m usually very level-headed and provide rational insight on all Bears news. That’s why today, I’ve decided to officially declare the 2025 Chicago Bears as God’s team.
And no, I do not make the rules. So I’m sorry—but Chicago Pope = Bears are God’s team.
This is not a drill, nor something to be taken lightly. We, the fans—now known as the Disciples of Ditka—must understand the significance of this moment.
Therefore, I am here to lay out exactly what a Chicago pope means for the Bears.
Divine Intervention Begins
PHOTO: @jack_bfr/Twitter/X
Now that Chicago has a pope, it’s only right that we begin to receive divine treatment. I liken it to having a friend who works at Chipotle who double scoops your steak and “forgets” to charge you for chips and guac—except our friend is the literal Pope, and instead of double scoops, it’s no more double doinks.
Losing on a Hail Mary? The Holy Spirit will swat down any prayer not wearing navy and orange.
Third down screen pass to a wide receiver? No more. Waldron has been banished from the kingdom.
Every challenge flag we throw? The Lord sees what the booth does not. 100% conversion rate. (Although, honestly, I don’t think we needed God for this one—we just needed to pitch in for Eberflus to get LASIK.)
I digress. What I’m basically saying is: everything that used to make me scream “What did we do to deserve this?” shall be no more.
Whether that’s Caleb having a complete line of guardian angels, or Cairo Santos’ kicks being guided by the hand of God… things should finally start going our way.
Sacraments of Soldier Field
With the season right around the corner, we must discuss the sacred rituals of our faith—Bears football. These are the Official Sacraments of Soldier Field, handed down by Halas, confirmed by Ditka, and sanctioned by Pope Leo XIV himself.
Baptism
You are not truly initiated until you’ve sat through a 6–3 barn burner in 12-degree weather, questioning your life choices while frozen to a metal bench.
Communion
Malört and deep dish. The body of Ditka may be with you.
Confession
Forgive me, Father, for I have dreamt what it would be like to be a Packers fan.
Anointing of the Sick
Jaquan Brisker has been anointed… I hope. Honestly, just stop spearing people, and we should be good. Still light people up though—because that rocks. You know what I mean.
Confirmation
Full commitment to the misery of being a Bears fan.
No more blaming coaching or the offensive line. This is about you now.
You are a loser. And you accept it.
Matrimony
Committing to the Chicago Bears in late December when we’ve been statistically eliminated from the playoffs since Week 10. That’s love.
Holy Orders
Ben Johnson is being handed the keys to Halas Hall and told to save us all.
Judgment of the NFC North
With our Chicago pope now in power, it is only right that judgment be laid upon our divisional rivals. The time of mercy has passed. The time of reckoning is upon us.
Green Bay Packers
The sinful in green and gold. Guilty of pride, envy, gluttony, and thinking Jordan Love is actually the answer.
Quick sidebar: I’m willing to die on this hill.
I am potentially the most biased Chicago Bears fan alive, but I just do not see it with Jordan Love. I just don’t. I’ve tried, I’ve squinted, I’ve stared into the void, I don’t see it. Anyway… Chicago Pope. Suck it, Green Bay. Lol.
Minnesota Vikings
False prophets. You blow your horn, wear cool purple robes, and worship a second-year quarterback who hasn’t played a snap. You will not be saved.
Detroit Lions
You’ve gained favor with the people, but that does not make you righteous.
Jared Goff will once again crumble in the cold. You will repent.
Another quick sidebar: I’m not a mathematician, but let’s break down this equation real quick:
Detroit Sucks – Ben Johnson = Bears + The Literal Pope
+ Ben Johnson + Ben Johnson
Detroit Sucks = Bears + The Literal Pope + Ben Johnson
You do the math. We’re blessed. You’re cooked.
In Closing: We Have a Pope with a Mission (We’re the Mission)
I typically end these bad boys by saying “in all seriousness,” followed by my first real comment of the entire post—I enjoy satire. However, that would be a lie. And we don’t lie around here anymore.
This has all been serious. We are the chosen team now.
Pope Leo XIV spent 18 years serving those in need in Peru, and now he’s on his next mission: healing the broken fanbase of the Chicago Bears.
I mean, think about it—we’ve been through years of torture, and suddenly we have a potential franchise QB, a somewhat functioning front office, maybe the best offensive mind we’ve ever had… And now a Pope?
We are entering a new era. A divinely backed era. With Pope Leo in our corner, we are operating on an entirely higher plane. This isn’t about football anymore. This is about faith.
Okay Fine—here’s my actual “in all seriousness” moment.
In all seriousness… this absolutely rocks.
We’ve spent the last three seasons parading around as offseason champs, only to be absolutely terrible. But going into this season? I think it’s rational to believe we’ll be good.
And now… we have THE POPE?!?
There’s no better city on Earth to receive news like this. It’s objectively hilarious that we got a pope, and 99% of us immediately said,
“The Bears are so back.” Or spent the next two days arguing about whether he’s a Cubs or Sox fan. That genuine reaction from the city makes me truly believe he will be a difference-maker.
Every little thing that goes our way this year— a favorable spot, a timely pass interference call— we’re all going to feel it. Deep down, we’ll be thinking one thing:
“Pope.” And that rocks.
So buckle up, everyone. It’s about to be a Holy Ride.
Bear Down and Bless Up, baby!
PHOTO: @jack_bfr/Twitter/X
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