Chicago Bears 2025 Win/Loss Predictions
I’m Calling My Shot!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is official — we have made it to cut day. A sad day for many, of course, but not for me.
For this marks what I declare the beginning of the Bears’ 2025 run, and thus, my time to completely botch a game-by-game prediction for this season.
Now, my handful of avid readers out there — you may know by now I am not the most sensible Bears fan. HOWEVER, I promise to speak my truth and only my truth in this extremely well-thought-out simulation.
And it all starts at Soldier Field, Monday, September 8th.
Week 1 (MNF) // September 8 vs Minnesota Vikings
I will not lie, I’m slowly beginning to feel the pressure looming with this massive season opener – just check your favorite apps for NFL betting on where the current lines stand. Division rival. Caleb and Ben’s first game together. A packed house filled with hammered Bears fans clinging to hope like it’s the last Miller Lite at the tailgate.
This will undoubtedly be a tough game. However, JJ McCarthy’s “homecoming” being dropped right into a rowdy Soldier Field is a recipe for a defensive masterpiece. I fully expect Ben to have a beautiful opening script to set the tone, and for the defense to create just enough chaos and turnovers to keep us at a distance all night.
Prediction: GIMME DA BEARS. 1-0.
Week 2 // September 14 @ Detroit Lions
Grudge match — talk about fireworks, baby. You already know the Lions faithful will be foaming at the mouth for Ben’s return, and I can assure you this demon will be ready. I’m fully prepared for every trick play under the sun — flea flickers, fake punts, double reverses — the absolute kitchen sink. This one screams high-scoring chaos from the jump.
And as much as I want to throw a W on this one (truthfully, I really think we might sneak it out), I’ll hold back for the sake of my last grain of credibility. The Lions are simply a better-oiled machine at this point, while Da Bears are still breaking in new parts during the growing-pains stage.
Prediction: Absolutely electric game, but Lions squeak it out. Bears fall to 1-1.
Week 3 // September 21 vs Dallas Cowboys
This one is weird. On paper, the Cowboys appear to be a strong team. And if you want my honest opinion, I think Micah Parsons will be signed by this point. BUT… they’re the Cowboys. And the thing about the Cowboys is… they will cowboy.
And we like to laugh at the Cowboys. Because they’re the Cowboys.
Therefore, Ben is going to embarrass them on national TV because he is a maniac, and that’s why we love him.
Prediction: Bears smash the ’Girls. 2-1.
Week 4 // September 28 @ Las Vegas Raiders
…TRAP GAME TRAP GAME TRAP GAME TRAP GAME! This one is spookyyyyyyyyy. I, for one, feel the Raiders will be a tough out this year. Even if it looks like it should technically be an easy dub, I think they’ll scratch and claw to make this a dogfight.
Where I find peace is knowing Ben Johnson is the exact coach who will have the fellas ready for what would’ve been a sleepwalk game under Dweeberflus. A trap game, yes — but we’re entering the trap inside a Trojan horse. It’s a trap-off. Walk into your trap, take over your trap. We will trap the trappers. Straight from A Bronx Tale — “Now youse can’t leave.”
(Also, low-key, this might feel like a home game with the number of Bears fans treating Vegas as an excuse to go play baccarat.)
Prediction: Bears take over their trap. 3-1.
Week 5 // Bye Week
Early bye weeks SUCK. But, glass half full — this gives Ben an extra week to cook up something absolutely disgusting for the Commies.
Prediction: Bears win the bye week.
Week 6 (MNF) // October 13 @ Washington Commanders
As much as I want to pretend this is just another game, it is NOT. I want to DESTROY this team. I can already see it now: Caleb vs. Jayden, Round 2. The Hail Mary has been played on First Take 4,372 times this week. Dan Orlovsky is soiling his pants talking about how he would’ve drafted Jayden over Caleb — which, let’s talk about real quick.
This is such a dumb take; it drives me nuts. Do you know how easy it is to zag when everyone agrees on the number-one pick? EVERYONE said Caleb was the top pick, and Dan saw a low-risk, high-reward lane to “stand out.” I’m so sick of hearing about it.
Thanks for letting me rant. As you can tell, I am not worked up about this game. Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming — Caleb dominates and shuts up the haters.
Prediction: Bears get revenge. 4-1.
Week 7 // October 19 vs New Orleans Saints
I am purchasing tickets to this game and inviting all of my friends and family because it is a guaranteed win. Thanks.
Prediction: If we lose to the Saints, I’m becoming a soccer fan. 5-1.
Week 8 // October 26 @ Baltimore Ravens
The Bears are on a huge win streak. Fans are feeling good, baby — the Bears are back. It’s Halloween week, vibes are high, prime fall weather… and then, back to reality. It’s the Ravens.
I’m a lunatic, but even I can come back down to earth for this one.
Prediction: Tough L vs. a great team. 5-2.
Week 9 // November 2 @ Cincinnati Bengals
This game has the potential to be a very meaningful one. Unfortunately, we don’t get to play the Bengals in their classic “lose the first four games of the year” mode — instead, we get them in the “we’re turning things around” stage.
The Bengals’ offense is absolutely elite, no denying it. But I just cannot get over that eyesore of a defense, even after locking down Hendrickson. I think our defense will give up a few big plays, sure… but at the end of the day, theirs gives up more.
Prediction: Bears bounce back. 6-2.
Week 10 // November 9 vs New York Giants
This game gives me Raiders vibes. I think the Giants will be a bit better than most believe. However, this also feels like prime “Daboll is about to be fired” energy — so he throws Jaxson Dart into the fire to try to save his job… and it goes exactly how you’d expect.
This ain’t no 2018 Chase Daniel in-the-rain game, and Abdul Carter is not Micah Parsons.
Prediction: Bears take care of business. 7-2.
Week 11 // November 16 @ Minnesota Vikings
Tough environment against what I believe will still be a team in the playoff hunt. Divisional games are always a toss-up, and by now, JJ McCarthy will have a lot more experience under his belt.
My heart is telling me Rome Odunze catches multiple play-action bombs… my brain is also telling me the same thing. And you know what? He probably does. But it doesn’t matter — even with Rome going off, we still drop this one.
Prediction: Kevin O’Connell bests Ben in what will be a rivalry for years to come. 7-3.
Week 12 // November 23 vs Pittsburgh Steelers
If Aaron Rodgers were a real man, he’d take his ayahuasca two hours before kickoff for this one. But since he’s not, we’ll handle the boogeyman the old-fashioned way.
I, like many Bears fans, have this one circled on the calendar. I just hope that old fart stays interested in playing long enough for us to finally put him in the dirt. It feels like our last chance to get back at Rodgers. And as much as I hate him, I can’t help but feel a little nostalgic.
One last ride against an old foe. The guy who has tortured my entire existence since I was a youth. Yet, I still have to respect him. But on November 23rd, 2025, we get the last laugh.
Prediction: The Bears own Rodgers. 8-3.
Week 13 (Black Friday) // November 28 @ Philadelphia Eagles
Stand-alone game against the defending champs… what could go wrong? Let’s just hope this one isn’t a classic Bears primetime debacle where everyone is sitting around with their family for the holidays, making fun of us.
Kinda feels like a game where Caleb makes one silly mistake and your uncle — who has no clue about anything — yells with a mouth full of leftovers, “That’s what you get when you cry and paint your nails!” Let’s hope not.
Prediction: Bears put forth a valiant effort. 8-4.
Week 14 // December 7 @ Green Bay Packers
GIVE ME ALL THE SMOKE! Caleb is 1-0 in Lambeau, and he’s about to be 2-0. JORDAN LOVE SUCKS AND PACKERS FANS KNOW IT — THEY ARE JUST TOO SCARED TO ADMIT IT.
P.S. For any Bears fans traveling to this game, make sure to check out the local Kwik Trip. It’s Green Bay’s finest gas station and a true staple in the community! I am totally not being sarcastic — the coolest thing to see in Green Bay really is a gas station.
Prediction: Jordan Love sucks & Caleb Williams does not. DJ Moore also runs through an MF’s face. CONVINCING WIN. 9-4.
Week 15 // December 14 vs Cleveland Browns
Tom Waddle said on Waddle & Silvy that if the Bears suck again this year, he will quit and open a fabric shop. If we lose to the Browns, I will join him.
Prediction: Tom Waddle and I do not run a fabric shop together. 10-4.
Week 16 (Saturday)// December 20 vs Green Bay Packers
Alright, back to reality… Packers get one back…
SIKKKKEEEEEEEEE
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. LOSING? TO JORDAN LOVE AND THE PACKERS? THE TEAM THAT HAS YET TO WIN IN 2025?
Prediction: Bears open up a can of whoopass. 11-4.
Week 17 (SNF) // Decmber 28 @ San Francisco 49ers
Tough spot here. On the road, under the Sunday Night Football lights, and I’m very confident the Niners will be in playoff contention. This game will carry significant implications.
I would love nothing more than to get revenge for the ass-kicking they dished out last year, but I just don’t think it’s in the cards.
Prediction: Shanahan bests Ben in a great duel. 11-5.
Week 18 // January 4 vs Detroit Lions
That’s right. YOUR Chicago Bears are 11-5 heading into a division-clinching game against none other than Ben Johnson’s former team. Yes, in my WWE fantasy, this game somehow decides the entire division.
I can picture it now: −4° wind chill. Jared Goff is looking like a cold little puppy. Joe Thuney is sleeveless because he’s a straight-up DAWG. This is what we dreamed of when we hired Ben. We finally see the QB in Caleb we’ve been yearning for over a century. And DJ Moore? He just does what he always does to the Lions — lights them up.
Prediction: The. Chicago. Bears. 12-5.
Postgame Presser
There you have it, folks.
Your Chicago Bears find a way to go 12-5.
I promise I am not drunk — just an excited Bears fan counting down the days until I get to watch my favorite team.
I just really hope this year is different.
Godspeed!
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